My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
