So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
