I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
My balls are so social today.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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