Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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