I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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