some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
