The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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