I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
