she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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