I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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