Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
