At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I just want to make out with him forever
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
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