i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I want to fling myself into the sun
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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