a search helicopter?!
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
