My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize