i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
