when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize