my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Randomize
