i can't believe i had my finger in that
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
