Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
