When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
