we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
