You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
