She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
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