Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
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