Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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