Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
