this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
