Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Randomize
