If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Your topless pictures make me question reality
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
