I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
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