You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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