I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Can you bring me the toilet please
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Randomize
