No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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