trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I feel like a drive thru vagina
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
