Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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