I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
