The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize