my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
