And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
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