if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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