Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize