I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
My bed smells like the plague
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