I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
