You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
