I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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