next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
