You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
