Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
