why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
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