If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize