Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
How does one acquire holy water?
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
