By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I'm both gender and math confused
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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