Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
