he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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