i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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