shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize