My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
