hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
