I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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