I just saw a hot homeless man
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I didn't notice because vodka
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Randomize
